This week, the HEX team watched some truly terrible holiday-themed films so you don’t have to. Get your ugliest jumper on, brew some cocoa, and snuggle up for our highs and lows in this season of enforced festive cheer.
The good:
The Muppets Christmas Carol. Big love for this and it *just* passes the Bechdel test too (although Miss Piggy and daughters planning to karate chop Scrooge in the crotch would be WAY better than talking about domestic tasks. But a pass is a pass, right?!).
Krampus (2015). If you’re truly sick of 2020 at this point and can’t face Zoom-based festivities, why not send a Christmas letter to the Krampus instead? This year can’t get any worse.
Scrooged: We'd like to raise a glass of Amaretto-spiked mulled wine to the genius who combined a sardonically hateful Bill Murray, sunshine-in-human-form Karen Allen and mice narrowly avoiding having antlers stapled to their heads. And in the grand parade of Christmas Carol ghosts, surely Carol Kane’s toaster-wielding fairy is top of the tree?
The so-bad-it’s-good:
A Christmas Prince 1, 2 & 3: One HEXer has seen all three Christmas Prince films and won’t apologise for it – negotiating a peace deal with a fake country during labour is just so relatable.
Die Hard: This will be considered a controversial choice by some, but who cares if it’s a “proper” Christmas film or not? Sometimes you just need some mega cheesy action and ridiculous fire hose bungee stunts to get you through the season. Yippee-kayak, motherbuckets. 🖕🏽
Home Alone 2: Leaving your child at home is bad enough, but losing him a second time? Get it together, Kevin’s mum. Absolute tosh elevated by the dreamy toyshop and Tim Curry.
The ugly:
Holidate: Is this the worst Christmas film of all time? Probably. We wanted to include a picture of some vomit instead of a mini review but decided against it. Watch at your peril.
Four Christmases: You’ll need four Christmases worth of booze to tackle this one. Although it has some 'big names', it’s an unfunny jumbled mess and entirely forgettable – even without the booze.
Love Actually: This absolute wankfest of a ‘festive’ film manages to combine sexism, classism, weird stalker behaviour and body-shaming, ultimately making us want to bash our own faces in with a shoe –- and that’s despite having Emma Thompson, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Bill Nighy sporting some excellent trousers.